I don’t need closure I need it to not happen again.

I have had issues with the phycologist at the free mental health clinic. I have my own one that give me my medication and I see on a regular basis. Sometimes I have to see the one where my social worker. I have only seen the free clinic one 2 or 3 times. She was not happy with me and my emotion support cat at all….

The last time I went to see her she made me come in only to scold and belittle me. She knew I had a ESA. She wrote it in her file of me. EVERYONE I come into contact with at the mental health clinic knows I have a cat that comes with me. I have been going for over 5 years. My first social worker was the one who told me to ask my doctor’s about getting me one. I always make it well known before I go to a group that I will be bringing her. Just in case anyone has allergies I can go to an other group.

I wasn’t even sitting down in her office before the physiologist started into me. “I see you brought your cat. I was wondering if you would. Do you know how inconsiderate that is? What if I were allergic? (She wasn’t because the first time I saw her she was told I had one and she said she wasn’t! She did make sure I knew it wasn’t acceptable though when she saw me and my cat. I talked to her about it and thought everything was alright. Legally she has not a leg to stand on.) “I am going to have to ask you to rebook the appointment since you didn’t tell me about your cat. It is disrespectful to me and everyone else.”

When she started talking to was closing the door and had my back to her. I didn’t even make it to sit down in a chair that was maybe two feet away. I just stood there crying harder than I was from just being out. I didn’t let her finish her speal, as soo. As she told me to rebook and leave, I just open the door and left now full of anxiety rage and having a full blown panic attack. She was the one who called me! She picked the time and made sure to tell me when I got there that she was wondering the whole time if I was going to bring my cat. She was the one who told me she put notes in my file that I have a cat! Why didn’t she bring up the fact on the phone? Why would I tell her when I have met her before and we talked about how it illegal for her to tell me not to bring my actual SERVICE animal. ( where I am ESA have the same legal rights as a service animal. Basically just a different type of service. My cat is trained and most people don’t even notice her in the carrier she stays in.)

I waited until my next meeting with my social worker to bring it up to anyone at mental health services. The phycologist had clearly already told her side of the story to my social worker. My lovely social worker told me I was right and legally her co-worker had no standing or grounds to make me leave or refuse me service. The big boss lady got involved because I requested it. I was not depressed, or anxious about the whole situation I am still enraged by it. It makes me so angry that a mental health professional would ever treat someone like this. It took a few weeks but I was assured everyone would be getting all the information on the legal rights of ESA and how to treat patients with them.

I kept being asked if I wanted to talk to the lady who was so cruel to me. I said if it helps her, if she wants to apologize for being awful I will talk to her. I don’t need closure, her apology. I need her never to do it again and to realize how serious it is to do that to someone. What if I were someone else who doesn’t get enraged when their legal rights are being enfeinged on, or someone who doesn’t know the law? Something like that could be very damaging for them.

My social worker and the head of the department were scared I wouldn’t attend any of the groups the other lady was heading up as she is their main phsycolgist. It will not phase me one bit. I am already crying and having panic attacks in groups. I have more important issues to worry about than a small minded woman who is not tactful or very kind when she gets an idea in her head that isn’t true. I will go and I will bring my damn cat. God better help her if she says anything about ESA again to me. I only went to the department head. I will go higher and make more of a deal about it. Not just for me but for others who may get this same treatment too. It doesn’t seem like that will happen as she got spoken to and the whole place got memos on the laws on ESA and that they are 100% welcome and needed.

Anxiety shakes are no joke!

Last night when I got off the couch to ready for bed I got the worst head rush. It didn’t go away causing me to fall back onto the couch. Eyes closed got super tried, used all my will power to get up. It felt like my limbs were numb and my body was just like putty. Went to the bathroom and there I felt I was going down so I just rolled onto the floor. It was then I realized my whole body was shaking uncontrollably. I had to start flexing muscle groups one at a time stating with what I could move as hard as I could and hold it for as long as possible. It took awhile of doing that to be able to use my arms to push into the floor as hard as I could. After the arms started doing what I wanted it didn’t take long to be able to get up.

I have had bad shakes before, but this was a first for me. I hate how no matter how long and hard I work to get better there is always some sort of new hell scape around the corner.

Maude

My sweet Maude passed away and it was brutal. I have a Maude sized hole in my heart. I do not do fur baby deaths well. Maude was a very special bunny. She only wanted love and attention. Everyone fell in love with her. I miss my sweet little love bunny.

Ugh more groups

Group therapy can be useful. The problem is that when you have people who love to talk they tend to monopolize the time. While the people who are more quiet don’t really get as much help. I agree that we all should be able to share if we want but it is not a personal therapy session.

I will talk in them, but I don’t do it a lot. I mostly sit there listening and crying. I loath any sort of meeting or appointment where I have to leave my house. It in group sessions.

Friends

I hear all the time how hard it is to make good female friends and keep them. I kind it mind boggling when females in my city go on about how other females are hard to get along with. I totally understand that there are women that are all drama and self absorbed, but there are males like that too. You have to be able to choose your friends wisely.

I have made new friends while being horribly mentally ill. I am just who I am. I don’t care if I make you uncomfortable with my health issues. I am slightly morbid when healthy and more so when sick. If you don’t like me for me get out of here. I have cut people from my life many times for them not being able to accept parts of me, or for trying to make me feel bad about not being able to do things due to anxiety.

Cults

I was at the drug store and made a loud ‘oooo’ sound while in line at the cash. The lady in front of me turned around and said that she had to see what I got excited about. I showed her the cover of the magazine I just picked up and was leafing through. It was one on cults. The woman looked at me blankly . I said cults were very interesting.

I disagree

I have been telling people about how I fell at my dispensary because my legs were shaking. I caught myself on the counter. The guy who was helping me seemed very concerned as I went down like a sack of potatoes 🥔. I pulled myself back up and said I was fine. Just anxiety shakes and that it happens all the time. I find this story funny. No one else does. I was told today it was my mental illness. I feel as if they don’t appreciate a good someone fell on/into a counter due to Bambi legs. Every else is too concerned about my anxiety shakes. I have been talking about them for a while now. They happen. Let’s at least get some amusement from it. I also have had my eye spasming since yesterday. That is less funny…

Sicker

The longer I am horribly anxious the worse my morbid sense of humour gets. I also have a higher tolerance for things I don’t want a higher tolerance for. At least my dreams aren’t getting more messed up because they were pretty horrific some times to begin with.

You borrowed my book on it!!!

People always forget that I am horribly fascinated with what drives a person to consume human flesh. I do not want to eat it myself. I do not want other people to eat it. Since I can’t stop it I want to know what are the different types of cannibals and what compels them. My favourite ones are the people who eat already dead bodies and are not hurting anyone, just being creepy and gross with a corpse.

I lent my friend a book on famous cannibals throughout history. The next time we hung out I was talking about how different ages of humans taste different. She looked at me oddly and then asked how I knew about that. I responded with telling her I already told her my fascination and how she willingly asked to borrow one of my books on it.

It is an academic interest I have. My sister finds it endearing.

My mom is cute

I am making my parents watch American Horror Story with me. Mom said who ever wrote the script or came up with the concepts must have a sick mind. I giggled and told her it was standard horror stuff, but soooo good. She doesn’t like horror though. So that explains a lot. Dad, my sister, and I are a different story. We all enjoy horror. My sister and I grew up on true crime tv and stories. My grandmother who lived with us thought it was perfectly acceptable to allow us to watch true crime and news with her.