When I still was at work I had panic attacks everyday for a month at work before I went to my doctor. They kept trying to force me to leave my crying stall. They also never looked there first for me. I called it my crying stall to them… Wouldn’t you look there first for me when I scooted away crying?
I find people actually seeing a mentally ill person have an attack or episode scares them more than the person having it. It is like they think I am exaggerating until they witness it. Then they don’t know what to do, despite me telling them what to do if I ever have a panic attack. I openly talk about different kinds of attacks and what to do for each. I can’t think and run on instinct alone when having an attack. That is why I openly talk about it and let people know. I get violent if touched while having most of them.
It is hilarious to watch people who have never been in the cold salt water ocean. I live off the Atlantic and unless swimming in a pool, I swim in the ocean. I don’t understand why anyone would want to be on the beach if it wasn’t to cool down. I hate the heat though. The ocean is my favorite place to go swimming. The beach is hot. There usually is a nice breeze from the ocean. I love going in the water. It is so refreshing. People who are not use to the cold salt water freak. It is amusing to watch. I hate the heat and I burn fast and badly if I am not covered and drenched in sunscreen. I do love the beach though.
My social worker keeps telling me that I am just having big feelings and doesn’t think I am actually suicidal. I told her I am not going to kill myself just to prove her wrong. I tell her all the time I am suicidal. I just don’t go into details. I have told her I am suicidal since I started going to her. She thinks I throw terms around all willy nilly. She doesn’t believe I have manic episodes. She calls them ‘What you call your manic episodes’ and tells me not to self diagnose. I asked my psychologist. I told her I was diagnosed with stress induced manic episodes and hallucinations. She still thinks I am just saying I have it and not actually have them. Why the hell would I lie or want to say I have them? Also maybe if she actually asked for updates from my doctor’s she would know. I signed forms saying they can share and ask for information when ever they need to. If I am going to get better they need to all talk and be in the same page. My social worker doesn’t care that I self harm. I mean I just destroy my mouth by bitting large hunks out, but it isn’t still bloody and self harm. Yet she forgets I do it and acts surprise every time I remind her.
I woke up to my top right eye tooth being loose. I was wide awake. My tooth fell out into my hand and blood filled my mouth. I was sitting on the edge of my bed crying and freaking out while blood filled my mouth and ran down my face all over my legs, bed, and floor. Surprise! It was just a hallucination! I could still taste the blood but it gone. All of my teeth are still in my mouth and sturdy. So this is fun. I now know what it feels like to lose a tooth and have blood everywhere…
Most people get surprised how ‘dark and disturbed’ my mind is. I don’t hide it at all. The problem is I am super perky when healthy. I am naturally a smiling ray of sunshine. I talk about all of my likes and people seem to really only hear the sunshine rosy parts. It is weird. Friends I have known for years will randomly finally pay attention to what I am saying or find something in my apartment that they look at me weird. I love reading about cannibals. Especially ones that don’t kill anyone they just take a person who died and eat them. I have a book about the history of cannibals. People look at me weird when ever they see it. If you pay attention you would know from what I talk about that I find them interesting. I also make a lot of cannibal jokes. I shouldn’t, but I do. When ever anyone says that I have nice white skin I say ‘Thanks, I bath in the unborn’s blood.’ I am weird. I don’t know why it is my go to other than I find the blood countess interesting. I don’t hide my weird. It is confusing to me why people don’t pick up that I am that person who loves true crime and likes weird history.
I am socially awkward, but an extrovert. When not an anxious mess I am out going. Because I am anxious, socially awkward and am a weirdo people don’t know what is what with me. It also gets mistake a lot. People always think I am shy or I have a crush on them or someone. No I legit just blush for no reason. It comes with anxiety. I always have and always will. Just ignore it.
I hate it when people who aren’t socially awkward think those who have it are weird. I have to tell people that others aren’t weird they are socially awkward and that is okay. They are good people and kind. Just accept them for them. I have been told over the years that I helped people come out of their shell and be confident in being them. There is nothing wrong with being a nerd, or liking some time that others may think are ‘childish’. I have a pony train and I brag about it all the time. People tell me it is okay I have a children’s toy. Of course it is okay. I am bragging. I also like when other people nerd out. Even if I don’t usually care about the subject I still like to hear why others like it and hear how much they love it. Seeing other people ‘nerd’ or ‘geek out’ is adorable.
I feel like people don’t understand how strong one has to be depressed or anxiety for long periods of time. We aren’t weak. We are strong and people should realize how hard just living is.
Why does no one think I am actually suicidal, when I say I am? I have to go into detail and tell them my plans. I am horribly ill and have been for almost 2 yrs. Of course I don’t want to live and I want to kill myself. I am depressed and anxious. I am heavily medicated at all times. At best I am able to tolerate life. When I say suicidal I mean I am trying not to act upon the constant urge to die. I told my new social worker I was suicidal and refused to do the exercise that is making my anxiety worse and making me suicidal. She told me I was just having ‘big feelings ‘ and ‘avoiding anxiety’. Then when I went into detail how bad I was getting. She started writing like a mo’fo and told me I never said I felt like that before. When I corrected her and said I definitely told her I was suicidal before. I told her last session. She said I didn’t go into detail. I am pretty sure suicidal is a term I can use instead of going into the nitty gritty details.
I was told that me not wanting to have crippling panic attacks all the time and living in hell. I was also told that anxiety is a feeling of being uncomfortable. I corrected her and said it wasn’t uncomfortable it is torture and no one deserves to live like that. I don’t know why the hell my social worker is fixated on me going to the mail box at the hospital alone every other day. Me not wanting to be suicidal and deciding to keep myself safe, is not the same as avoidance. I will do stuff still but I need to start smaller. Apparently starting smaller is avoidance. *eye roll*.