I have recurring nightmares where I am marrying someone I know I don’t want to be with. There is no one else so everyone around me tells me this is it and to go with it. It is so uncomfortable and just anxious. I forget that most people want a romantic life partner. I mean if it happens for me fine if it it doesn’t I am fine. I forget most people have the urge to find someone. Just assume most people are cold and heartless inside when it comes to such things like I am. I thought wanting a boyfriend was desperate, apparently it is more common than I thought.
I feel as if I should write to the city transit thanking them for making the drivers take a passengers’ rights class. I think it is important that they know how serious what happened is. I personally get rage anxiety when people are ignorant. I still cry but I am livid at their willful ignorance. Yes it is my right to have a service animal and it is my right to not have to tell you what it is for. I am lucky I have this inner rage and lack of shame to stand up for myself. It is hard. Most people with anxiety would have gotten off the bus. I slept for a week because of the toll it took on me physically as well as mentally. I have not really done much of anything. I want to educate everyone so bad on anxiety and depression.
I have requested that friends do this to me to cheer me up. So far only one person has found it as amusing as I have. He has agreed to do it (which means he will send the meme when I am sad and least expecting it.)
I find it is a mute point but I feel the need to correct people when they say I have social anxiety. I have general anxiety caused by a chemical imbalance. It isn’t me trying to be an ass, it is me telling them I am a different person when anxious. I love concerts, dancing, and I am a different person when sick with anxiety. Being home makes it better but it doesn’t fully release the anxiety. I always am anxious. Twice in one year have I really felt free and me. Huge crowds don’t always make the anxiety worse it is just being out of the house. Other times it is a huge deal. Depends.
When people tell me they have anxiety I always ask what kind. You need to know what kind you have and what is the cause if you are going to treat your disease. It is like having cancer but not knowing what kind. I am open about mental health and don’t find it shameful at all. I am not embarrassed to have a panic attack in public because I grew up having them in public.
To be told you are a safe person by someone with anxiety is a big deal. To be a person who clams or doesn’t cause more anxiety. I also say to say a lot that my closest of friends and my family aren’t people. They are a person that I love and make me feel safe.
Last week was pride week. I had a bad week full of anxiety, but I was not letting anxiety ruin two prides in a row. I missed it last year and all year I haven’t been to one drag show or LGBT event. I said eff it. I drugged myself up and said keep the gin and tonics coming because it is pride bitch! My love was with me and said she was surprised at how many people I knew there and how everyone was sensitive about my anxiety. I even could sit with someone other than my love. He is a friend and I find him claiming to be around.
I lost my voice from screaming. I had so much fun. I realized I love things that encourage me to scream. I love to scream. I am trying to find someone to go to the fair for the thrill rides. It is surprisingly hard to find someone who likes thrill rides and don’t get sick from them. Thrill rides and drag shows are what I need to be anxiety free. It felt so good. I am now exhausted and paying for it by sleeping all the time. So worth it.
Love is when someone stops buy just to give you a hug and say I love. While giving your favorite treats for no other reason than they were thinking of you.
I need to have naps again in the middle of the day. So exhausted all the time. I over did it on Friday.
I call my best friend aka soul mate “My love.” I also call her “Mollymuck” (from Lord Love a Duck). She calls me Petunia or Jenn/Jenny(which is my name). I almost never call her by her real name for some reason. We have known each other since grade 3. She asked me why we were so weird, as we were talking about our youthful hijinks. We are both mother hen personalities and our quirks line up perfectly. We both are little old ladies at heart that have the same interests. She will encourage me to break out singing in public so I do. Give them what the people want. Or at least what Mollymuck wants.
My life’s goal is to just not kill myself with food or with a knife. I like cold metal. People who have never had anxiety or depression just don’t understand that it is taking every fiber in my being to just keep myself alive. That is the point I am at now. Without my sweet medical Marijuana I would be dead by now.