I could never figure out why I woke up every morning with my ear plugs out of my ears and in my bed. How could they just fall out? Then I woke up in the middle of the night to Padiddle gently taking one out of my ear with her teeth. The little stinker takes them out and plays with them. She also does this with hair elastics. I am so use to her all over me when I sleep that I didn’t wake up. She had been taking them out for months before I caught her. She knew I woke up, because I spoke to her, and she still went back to take it out.
I collected my thoughts and talked to my social worker. She cleared a lot up for me. It is 100% my psychologist who should be evaluating me. They don’t do the testing at the clinic and refer to a psych. So long story short I feel much better about her. She said she would set up a meeting with the psychologist there again just to talk about what mine should be doing with me. Explaining myself worked out well. I was just overwhelmed last time.
I am going to see my new social worker today. I did my homework as asked and have bullet points I want to discuss. Like her hubris behavior of canceling my evaluation without meeting me or speaking to my past social worker. I think I am angry at her for not understand, but I may not have been clear enough. I did say I was adamant about an evaluation and she said no tests would help. Only tell me what tendencies I have. I failed to mention I don’t know what I have. I feel like my my pervious strange behavior should be enough, but now I learned I have what sounds like manic episodes.
The claws may come out if I denied again. I flat out told this woman I would go to the hospital and tell them my suicide plan so that I get evaluated, but that requires me to be in the hospital for 48 hours on the psych ward. I am not about to lock myself in a ward where they allow murdering rapists to be with the general public who are ill as well. I mean sure kill me, I am slightly suicidal, but not the rape. Fuck that noise. I will just kick up a fuss and demand treatment until I get what I need!
I want to cry already, but I always want to cry. I have a fire in my belly and am off my rocker. Not the type of person you want to dismiss or categorize as usual. I love myself and demand help.
My friend and I were sharing suicide stories. She told me she tried to kill herself from over doses of pills server times. Knowing what it is like to feel like that I immediately asked ‘why the same method if it didn’t work the first time?’ She said she never thought of it. I find it interesting the difference in thought pattern between us.
I was asked to write down all the times in my life when I have been ‘Okay’. Here is my answer to said question.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious at least at certain points in every year. I used to cry for no reason my whole life. I had depression in 2002 when I was in my first year of university. From 02-05 I had anxiety every month around my period. I thought it came with my period getting worse as I age. Then in 2006 I had constant panic attacks. I then got medication. I was sick 2008 for a month, from 2009 – 2014 I was okay about 80% of the time, and 2014-2016 okay 60% of the time.
I have no idea how the hell I am supposed to remember being ‘okay ‘ when I just learned that my super hyper is a manic episode. I am not pleased… I hope my meeting with my new social worker goes better than the last one.
I got a massage today because I could no longer turn my head to left with out shooting pain. I also couldn’t bend. I finally found a massage therapist who isn’t a talker. It was so nice. Wesker always sits by my face so I can dangle my arms down and pet her. She looks up at me and purrs. So I am being massaged getting all the knots worked out and I have the most relaxing sound, sweet loud purrs. I made sure I put her name in my phone. I have been looking for a regular massage therapist and we have winner!
The others were all very nice but they liked to talk. That is fine when healthy, but it gives me anxiety. I don’t have the heart to tell them that talking to people I don’t know gives me anxiety. I understand wanting to talk. I am a chatter when I am healthy. I am horribly unwell and it relaxes my body but I freak knowing I have to talk to a stranger.
I can’t tell if my down stairs neighbors are having a loud conversation, or if I am hearing things that aren’t there again. It is very annoying! I just want to know. I don’t care either way. I just want to know what is real and what is not.
I just learned that manic episodes can be happy, or not a negative emotion. I know that is dumb now, but I have been spending my time learning about my disease and how I can get better. Being manic is not a side effect of anxiety. I always talked to other people with anxiety about these what I call ‘OCD kicks’. It isn’t anxiety OCD it sounds like a manic episode.
The fucked up part is I didn’t figure this out with a mental health professional. I learned it from my from who has a bi-polar friend and was telling me a story about one of her manic episodes. I asked questions and then did some research. Mind you I am not usually smart. My anxiety gives me mush mind. I feel as if they would just evaluate me I would know what is wrong! How can I know how to get better if I don’t know what the hell I have? Or don’t know what to call things. I don’t know what is normal either, so I don’t know what to tell them is off. I thought hallucinations were something everyone had….
I have been requesting an evaluation since I went out of work (July 2016), as I have never actually been evaluated. My family dr said I had anxiety when I was referred to my psychologist. He was like ‘cool ‘ and since I was was clearly anxious and depressed he just went with that. He legally can’t help me more than medication now that the consulting part has long past. But them damn free clinic can! I fear I going to rage out on them my next visit. I honestly don’t care if I rip them a new one except that it will give me a crippling panic attack. I always have one after a rage.
Once I accept you as family you are stuck with me forever. There may be times you don’t hear from me for a while, because I am mentally ill, but when I am better I come on back. You are never really rid of me. I like to think of me being healthy as fun Jenny flare ups. I am like a fun , loving, and wanted herpes.
When healthy I get asked a lot how I have such nice skin. It is really just proper skin care and common sense. I am a weirdo and love history I say I bath in blood like the blood countess. I say I bath in the blood of aborted fetuses for two reasons; the blood is pure as is the fetus, and it is recycling. I am not going to go around killing people. I just have a deal with a clinic. I find it amusing, clearly I am joking, but not everyone finds my sense of humor enjoyable.