I was told that me not wanting to have crippling panic attacks all the time and living in hell. I was also told that anxiety is a feeling of being uncomfortable. I corrected her and said it wasn’t uncomfortable it is torture and no one deserves to live like that. I don’t know why the hell my social worker is fixated on me going to the mail box at the hospital alone every other day. Me not wanting to be suicidal and deciding to keep myself safe, is not the same as avoidance. I will do stuff still but I need to start smaller. Apparently starting smaller is avoidance. *eye roll*.
People are always surprised that my cat stays in her carrier, or when she does climb out she crawls on me and is still leashed to her carrier. She doesn’t like being outside not in her carrier. She hates it and freaks out. She is a service cat. Why would I have a service cat that wasn’t trained to stay in her carrier? Also why would I make a cat be a
service animal if they hated going outside? People always think I am forcing her out. She has a sad sounding meow. She is really just saying hi. She is chatty, but people assume I am just a crazy with a cat. I am but not in they way they think. The cat is a legit service animal and a very good one at that.
I went to the movies and was wearing my Cyborg t-shirt. It is from teen titans go. It is clearly cyborg. A girl told me that she loved my deadshot shirt. I looked confused at her. Deadshot and cyborg clearly look different. Their colours are different too. I am not sure if she just got them confused like I would confuse Bruce Willis and Mel Gibson as a teen or if she is just racist. I like to think it was the first.
I saw some friends who I hadn’t seen in a while. They said I looked good and not as bloated as I was last time they saw me and how upset I was. I was more concerned and worried. It is a huge deal when eating healthy all the time, you work out and are still gaining weight at an alarming rate. I almost had to go on heart medication because I gained so much weight in a short period of time. I am on new medication, but I still have to watch what I eat, but I can indulge as a special treat. I am now just use to the healthier stuff. I still have to work out every day. It is not just be being upset. It is a serious matter. Yes, I am slowly losing the weight, but it is hard work. I know they met well but I was so worried about my physical health and made it well known. I can’t have anything else get worse on me, especially my heart when it is normally healthy. Medication weight is a real and scary thing.
My social worker has taken the one thing I could do on my own for me and used it to make me regress. I told her that I don’t want to go to the hospital to mail things every other day because it is making me have crippling panic attacks. She told me to keep doing it and to set an alarm to stop my panic attack and make myself get up and do something else to stop it. How the hell am I going to move if I am paralyzed? Hmm? I can’t move, hence CRIPPLING panic attack. I even said I can’t move. I think she assumed I meant like how I say I can’t go outside alone. I can but I end up having a CRIPPLING panic attack. Which I also told her. I am able to go out but it is hurting my physical health and making me more suicidal. It is sheer torture and I have my service animal so that I don’t have to go though that level of hell every time. I also told her that. She just told me to keep doing it. I am going to put my foot down next visit.
I don’t understand why the hell I have to really drive home all the time how sick I am. I am only alive because I can’t kill my tabby. If I die she will starve herself to death. I am not okay in the least. I am heavily medicated and push myself to my limits before stopping. If I am saying no then you know it is hindering me more than helping. You can’t tell me it is healthy for me. I have to consciously stop myself from killing myself. I will just wonder into the kitchen and before I know it I have a knife. Pretty sure not healthy. I am scared that if it continues I won’t stop myself.
I am told I name my fur babies odd names. When Mom was given the chance to name my first cat she named him Michael. He was a black and white tuxedo cat and she named him after Michael Jackson. My sister named her long haired gray and white tuxedo cat Angel. When Micheal died I was given a beautiful white and ginger tabby. I named her Padiddle. I am told it is a weird name, but I think it sounds adorable. I realize it is what you call a car with one headlight. I still think it sounds like a cute cat name. I named my black cat Wesker. Which 98% of people don’t get the reference and it annoys me. Resident evil is a massive franchise. Even if you don’t play the games how are you going to forget him if you watched all the movies? Once people find out that I named Wesker after a villain they look at me weird. I clearly love villains and Wesker loves to torture her prey. I think it suits her purrfeclty. I named my rabbit Maude. That gets more weird looks than Padiddle and Wesker put together. This confuses me since Maude is a first name. I get asked all the time where I came up with my pets’ names. No one thinks twice if you name your fur babies after a famous rock star but name them after Bea Arthur or Albert Wesker and you get weird looks. Wesker was supposed to be a ginger and white tabby named Paprika. I wanted Padiddle and Paprika. But I fell in love with a little black kitten who is adorable and evil.
My social worker kept making a big deal that I went to see a band in an other city and spent the night. I flew to the States for two weeks to see my parents when I first got sick. I am not afraid to have panic attacks traveling. It has to be worth the constant crippling anxiety. I cry, curl up and don’t move while having a panic attack, but I can lug my carcass around in between the paralyzing points in panic attacks. It was one of my favorite bands and I really wanted to see them. So I went and as I predicted all the anxiety melted away while they played and I was free. I was heavily medicated, but I always am. Thanks Stars! I love you forever and always. Please come back so I can be free again.
‘Take me, take me to the riot.’
People keep asking me what I did for Easter. I tell them the truth, nothing because my family invited me and then just decided to not call or let me know they weren’t coming to get me. Even my sister and mom tell me it is messed up and sad. That isn’t what is sad to me. What is sad is that I expect it from them and they can’t hurt my feelings. My grandmother has only hurt me once and it was because she was in sensitive about Padiddle being sick.
I some times use ear plugs at night. I couldn’t figure out why they always fell out of my ears at night. I finally woke up to my tabby gingerly taking one out of my ears. For years she has been taking out my ear plugs while I sleep and I never noticed because she is always with me. I should have guessed it was her. She also steals my elastics out of my hair while I sleep.