I meet people and they tell me that they would have never known I had anxiety. This is because they don’t have a base line. My social worker tells me there is a spark every now and then in my eyes that she doesn’t see often. She has never met me before my decent. I keep telling her I am a party pony and there is nothing worse than the thought of not getting better. I am going to do what it takes to be free this invisible force drowning me. I refuse to belive I won’t get better. If I honestly believed that I would be like this forever I would have killed myself by now. I am an extrovert with anxiety and it confuses people.
My social worker thinks it is a big deal when she learns something new about my depression and anxiety. I just assume it is known I am suicidal and self harm. I am in a constant hell scape of mental illness. When she says ‘oh, that is new. You never told me about that before.’ I always say ‘ You never asked before’.
I am at my cousin’s house and I am sitting in a chair that can see down a hallway. I keep seeing a small imp horned thing in a door way. It comes out of the room now and then and peeks out then limps, out. It is a creepy fucker.
When I was at my Doctor’s the other day I saw fingers coming up from the floor. They wiggled. They were there they whole time my doctor was in the room with me and I didn’t think to tell her about it. She knows I hallucinate and I am getting use to it.
I keep being told that I doing everything right. I have had 10 years of cognitive behavior therapy to help me. My social worker likes how I always say ‘When I better’. I am well aware I could get worse as it is getting worse. Or I could get better. Who knows? Not me! I have a chemical imbalance. I am that kind of crazy that I will I refuse to believe I will be like this forever. If I believed that I would have killed myself by now. I am not living, just kind of barely staying alive.
Me: Remember the time we were playing head bands and I wrote bubbles the monkey and then got it for my own forehead and couldn’t figure it out for the life of me?
Mollymuck: Ha, ha, yes.
Me: Why are you friends with me?
I am so tired that I knew that my torso hurt, but couldn’t figure out why. I just needed to pee. It was thirsty, IBS, too full, hungry, or having to pee. They all just feel like pressure when truly exhausted.
I get that metal health professionals have to ask questions and find out why I am how I am. This will help me get better. Some I have to flat out say ‘I popped out of the womb anxious’.
I told my social worker how people tried to bully me and how it doesn’t work. She asked me if it did work and that is why I am anxious. No. I have a chemical imbalance. Half the time when people are bullying me I don’t know that is what they are trying to do. I just think they are jerks and don’t want anything to do with them. I honestly don’t care what people think of me. I have always been me. Which is why I don’t know what is mental illness and what is me just being me.
I am baffled at citizens born and raised in the US and Canada get so mad at immigrants and the funds the government uses to help them( At least in Canada). The Irish went through the exact same thing when they immigrated originally in droves. Where I live almost everyone is from Irish decent some how. And now those blood lines are doing to others what the ‘true Americans and Canadians’ did to their ancestors. You think they would have more compassion. Immigrated people do not take from us. If you are angry about the lack of funds for something that isn’t aimed at helping those who are immigrating, the problem isn’t those programs. The problem is the the structure of our society and the cuts that the rich and politicians get.
I don’t get proper funding for my mental illness. Do you see me angry at other programs to help those who need it? NO! I just want to go all historical and political on people who are willfully ignorant. It would just make me enraged and you can’t have a debate with ignorant people who don’t listen. It goes in one ear and goes out the other
We are all immigrants except the First Nations. Who our ancestors treated like less than human. The refugees Canada took in pissed a lot of people off. They are refugees! Fuck off and get a damn heart and help people. Stop bitching when it isn’t the problem, our system is. We pride ourselves on being a mosaic of culture. Get your Canadian pride and shit together and accept and educate.
My social worker said that the man who told me I was too pretty to cry was just trying to help me feel better. I said it is no way to speak to people. It is sexist. She disagreed with me. Apparently it is just how I take things and he was only trying to help. I don’t care what the intentions were. He would never say that to a male. I don’t appreciate being told that I shouldn’t cry either.