People person

It is not gossip if you tell your one person, or if you leave out who the person is and details and tell someone who doesn’t know anyone evolved. Some times you just need to say something out loud to someone else. That being said, I don’t gossip at all. I am confident in myself and I would say something to your face before I would behind your back. I have anxiety, I am incapable of it. The guilt would eat me up from inside.

I guess people notice that I listen and talk. I am a people person. I like talking to others. I have had people I barley know tell me very personal secrets like I was their sister. I am baffled why people would tell me stuff that is really heavy and follow it up, I haven’t told anyone before. Is this a normal thing? Or is it a weird Jenny thing? It happens often enough I think it is a thing, but I have thought that before and it was just a weird Jenny thing.

Advertisements

You can’t force people to listen.

I have a soft spot for others with mental health diseases. I get it. I understand. There is something comforting being able to speak openly with someone who just understands. You don’t have to explain anything or tell them what it feels like, because they know. I am absolutely baffled when people don’t go seek professional help. They know they have a problem. I tell them how to get help. My advice for anyone with any disease is seek help. It is so frustrating. They know they need help, I tell them how to get help then they just don’t. I know it is hard, but you can’t get better if you don’t find out what is wrong and treat it.

I know it is hard. I have panic attacks and have to bring my compassionate care companion aka Wesker with me. I have to carry around a cat to be able to leave my house. I am barely living. I never miss an appointment. I hate them, I don’t want to go. I logically know I have to. The fear of not being me again scares me more than what anxiety throws at me.

Looking healthy

My psychiatrist always starts every meeting with either, ‘you are looking well’, or ‘you are looking healthy’. He has never seen me healthy. He mistakes me being comfortable at his office as me being better. I am use to his office. I look like a corpse. Just because I am not currently crying doesn’t mean I am better it means I am dead inside at the moment. Just exhausted. I am not sure why I even go to him. He isn’t allowed to treat me. Just makes sure I have medication and don’t kill myself.

Not the norm

People need to understand I am not the norm when it comes to anxiety. Apparently people don’t usually view is for what it is, a disease. They think there is something wrong with them. There is, they have a disease, that is it. I crawl and fight my way through life every day. I force myself to do things knowing I will have a crippling panic attack once I get home. I got asked what makes me get to appointments. The fear of not getting better! Nothing is worse than this hell. I am going to go to what ever appointments and places I need to do that I get the help and support I need and deserve.

I have hot topic issues and mental health is one. I will fight, scream, claw and demand help. The road for support for low income house holds with mental health is hard. They flat out lie to you when asked a question. I won’t take no for an answer. I believe that meth addicts should be given free methadone. I believe that sexual health centers should be free and I believe that people with disabilities should be given the resources to treat said disability and if it is so bad you can’t work then you should get a fair monthly. Mentally ill Jenny does not take shit from anyone about my mental health. I need help and I am going to get it. There is nothing scarier than an anxious person who is educated and not afraid to fight. I may not be as smart with my anxiety brain, but I know our system pretty well and educate myself. I find it baffling when people don’t seek help once they find out they have anxiety. Get help sooner rather than later or you become me.

Animals know

My girls are all sooks. They love snuggles and attention. Both cats are almost always with me. Padiddle spends the night with me leaving only if she has to use the bathroom. Since I got sick I wake up to her either on my pillow, on me, or beside me as close to me as possible without on me. She has always watched me sleep. She has been doing it every night though and I wake up to an intense stare that turns to purring as soon as my eyes open. Wesker comes a running if she isn’t already with me when she hears me awake. They are both all over me all the time and I love it.

Massage

I got an over due massage. It hurt so good. Normally I don’t like being topless anywhere, but when so exhausted and always very anxious I don’t care. If it means the knots will be gone they can see and touch what ever is needed. I checked to make sure I had on a pair of undies that weren’t period ones. I apparently missed a tiny stain on the butt. It was big enough there was no way he didn’t see when moved my undies to the side to get my gluts. I didn’t notice the stain until I got home and peed. Normally that would be mortifying, I just don’t care. I clean and clearly have mental problems I have more important things to worry about.

Explanations

If I can get something then it is pretty simple to get. I have anxiety brain and need to ask questions or rewind all the time when watching shows or movies. Mom explains everything out loud anyway so it would be helpful if she was paying attention. She gets me so confused watching some shows or having a conversation with her.

The look

I love the look on people’s faces when ask what is wrong with them and I answer ‘anxiety’. The look on people’s faces when they finally realized anxiety is a disease and nothing is wrong with them other than the anxiety. Anxiety makes us feel awful about ourselves and generally makes you upset over everything.

Damn, right!

I was telling someone I know about the whole bus driver trying to kick me off the bus thing. She was in a similar situation and I told her to never be ashamed of crying. I then told her the story. She looked blankly at me and said ‘ you did that?’. Damn right, I did that! I get aggressive and there is nothing scarier than a mentally ill person who knows they have the law on their side. I don’t avoid conflict. I will have a panic attack at you if you mistreat me.

Hallucinations

I am not concerned by my hallucinations, as it has happened my whole life randomly, what concerns me is I thought it was normal. No one seems concerned by it though. They think it is odd, but don’t think it is anything to worry about. Bitch I thought seeing things is normal. There is something wrong! I thought it was normal because a lot of the anxiety I had as a child my mother had. She knew it wasn’t the usual and knew it wasn’t abnormal either. Mental health disease runs in her family. I am still learning that things aren’t normal or aren’t usual anxiety issues as I keep learning about mental health. There is also the issue of me not thinking the usual. I know my brain works differently. I also know I have mental health issues. I some times can’t tell if it is a mental health thing or a weird Jenny thing.