I miss my skin

I miss my flawless porcelain skin. That is one thing I had going for me. My breakouts are having two or three small pimples before my period. Now I have blochy skin, with super dry face and tiny pustules. My eyes always look like someone punched me because they are black from crying so much all the time. I now don’t even look like myself anymore. Just a sick puffy black eyed version of me. 

Uptown crazies

    There are a lot of crazy people who do not take their medican uptown.  No wonder because if you need help the government makes it hard for you to receive what is needed for mental health issues. The uptown crazy is a special breed of insane that has no filter and is legit insane. They tell me I am weird for having a service cat… That is the pot calling the kettle black. I know I am not okay, but I am not as insane as you hooker with three teeth who likes to kiss clothing at stores. 

     I was in a store today and Wesker was crying because people were around and she wanted people to pay attention to her. A crazy asked what that sound was. Now this is not unusual,  what is unusual is looking in my carrier at Wesker and asking me ‘is that what you call a cat?’ If it looks and sounds like a cat chances are it is one. I want to know what she thinks a cat is?


I am on disability for anxiety. I can barely leave my home and some person from soical services came to see me without setting up a time first. So dude just rolls up to someone who has crippling anxiety and just expects me to answer the door. Hell to the no. You don’t just drop in on someone with anxiety unannounced and expect them to answer the door. Also why the hell is social assistance coming to my house? I am on disability,  which they have made very clear are two different fractions of the government and that is why I don’t deserve benefits. I have to go throughout all this red tape to get me the medican I need for my disability. It is well documented that I suffer from horrible anxiety. Honestly some people just don’t think, or they are thick as hell.

I am turning bitter

When people on social media complain about things that aren’t dier it ticks me off. I try hard to keep my social media fluffy and cute. I just want to see cute animals, no prime mates, as I fear them. I saw a video of a monkey climbing on a child and was horrified to find that no one was taking the monkey off the little girl. It took a second to realize the kid was happy and everything was alright. I guess I project my fear upon others. 


Anxiety can make you feel like you are insane. Anyone with an anxiety disorder will know exactly with I mean when I say it is hard filter out sounds. You hear everything at once at equal level of sound. It literally sounds like everything is in your head much louder than it really is. I have mastered the art of blocking everything out. That is a problem with other people though. When there is more than 3 of us and more than one person is talking I can’t handle it. I usually have a Kylie Minogue song in my head that I listen to. She has so many amazing songs I am good for hours. I also some time watch movies that I know by heart, usually the last unicorn . I have to have something to focus on and just ignore everyone else. The issue with that is I can’t talk to anyone unless we talk one at a time. 


I have had my oldest cat for half of my life. I know adult cats need homes but I like to get kittens sticky because I have them for as long as possible. My tender soul can not handle only having a baby for a few years. I like getting them before they hit them animal rescue league. That way they aren’t kept in cages. Padiddle I got from a sweet older woman who’s cat had kittens. She couldn’t look after all of them so if they didn’t get  home she would have to send them to the animal rescue league. I picked padiddle and because the woman was afraid I would change my mind gave me Diddle when she was four weeks old. Padiddle has saved my life many times, during bleak times. I don’t know how to handle anxiety without her. 

Children, animals, and seniors.

Children, animals, and seniors all seem to love me. I have been told I have a calming nurturing way about me. I have a skull dress that I get stopped often by seniors and they tell me I look ‘sweet’ or ‘adorable’. If someone else my age was wearing it they would be complaining about youths. I ,when healthy, have resting smiling face. Even in my passport photo I look happy dispite not having an expression on my face. Now because there is no sparkle and have a blank face people always think I am bored or annoyed. Neither is normally the case. I am usually having a good time. Animals still love me though. They think I am bees knees. Makes me feel good when a cat no one else can hold or a rabbit and they are just tame and cuddly with me.

I love you

So my cousin asked me to go over and wait for a UPS guy yesterday. This is not an easy thing to do for the mentally ill. I trotted on down with Wesker and anxiously waited all day. The guy didn’t show up. So I went again today only right before I got to his place I got a text saying UPS was there but didn’t ring the buzzer. My cousin is livid at this point because for a week the UPS guy has not been buzzing the buzzer. So I said I would just come again tomorrow for him. Scottie, my cousin, is very upset, which is understandable. I even full of anxiety would do anything I could to help him. He does so much for me that I don’t care. I will cry and have a crippling panic attack after I sign for the box. I love him that much. Scott knows how bad my anxiety is so he feels bad for asking, but I flat out told him not to be. If I can move my body I will be there for him. Wesker is with me so I am actually able to go and do stuff for him like that. 


I forget that people actually try to conceive children on purpose.  I just assume all kids are accidents unless adopted. I don’t understand the longing to have the experience of child birth. Or being pregnant. I have never wanted kids. If I did I would adopt. I forget I am not the norm. Is this an anxiety thing? Who knows? No one will evaluate me to see if I have something else. I tell them I see and hear things all the time that aren’t really there but they look and sound real to me. I thought this was also normal. Apparently not. Am I crazy, is it ghosts? Again who knows. 

Bunny Love 

   Once people find out that I have a bunny they all try to give me rabbits.  Pets that they or people they know got and now are re-homing. Maude, my bunny, is a free range house bunny.  This means she is litter trained and the apartment is bunny proofed so she can’t hurt herself, or ruin anything. She isn’t a big chewer but every now and then she gets into something. I only need or want one rabbit. I have two cats. I can’t even afford to look after the fur babies I have. Mom and dad pay for my cats and my friend got me my rabbit and pays for everything for her.  He said I needed a rabbit as they make me happy. He was right. 

     Animals are not something to get when small and when they are full grown you get rid of them and get something new. When I get a fur baby they are with me until either they pass away or I do. If I die before them they are to go to my parents or friend.  I have it all arranged. Animals are part of the family. It disgusts me that people get rabbits or cats when they are babies and just set them free when they are an adult. They are domesticated, not wild. Chances are that rabbit is going to die. Cats it is about 50/50.

 Maude came from a farm, not a breeder  where she was a house bunny. She was full grown when I got her. I don’t care what a rabbit looks like, as they are all adorable. I just want one with a sweet, kind, temperament that loves to be held and cuddled. She has a weak hop which I find adorable.