I am still strong enough to ward off my illness’ suicidal tendency, but too sick and weak to do anything but just live. I am fighting with everything I have because I refuse to allow mental illness to win. I fear yet long for the day when there is no fight in me. I lay in bed screaming at myself in my head to just lay there and not move. I telling myself everything will be okay. I know it won’t, but I am a stubborn person and refuse to give in until the mental illness has taken me over completely.

I flat out tell people if I do kill myself it is the mental illness and that they should really keep an eye on me. I will also tell people when I am actively forcing myself to stay and not harm myself. Mental illness is not something one should have to go through alone. I reach out to my friends who have anxiety and depression and they do the same with me. If we don’t openly talk about it how are people going to feel safe and like it is a disease or condition brought on by circumstances.


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