If I had cancer family and friends would read up on it to see what exactly is going on, especially my mom. Mom was a nurse and if my sister or I get sick with anything she is looking through her books and online to see if she is correct in the diagnosis. She was the one who caught my shingles early so they didn’t start to weep. Since Mom has mild anxiety she doesn’t get the difference between what she has ( which is me when I am ‘healthy’) and what I have now. I would assume if your baby had a disease that was life threatening you would learn about it. Nope. I try to explain how serious and how it is the disease not the person who actually is responsible for the death. She says ‘ but you know you are loved and not to do it’ . Mom makes sure I know I am loved and needed everyday.

Do not get me wrong, best Mom in the world, best Dad, but not up to date on mental health. I teach them everything about it. I think it is harder on them as they don’t live here. I get why they don’t look it up. It is scary and they really can’t do much from a different country to prevent me from hurting myself. I can’t promise I am not going to kill myself. I can promise that I will fight until I am no longer in control. I force myself to do things that I know are good for me. Working out is sheer hell when exhausted all the time, but I have to do it. Heart disease and high blood pressure can fuck right off! I have to work out 40-60 mins a day to remain healthy due to my medication. If anything is going to kill me it is either going to be suicide, or a hilarious melon baller accident.

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