I am so confused as to why people think once I get everything sorted out with getting the rights and resources I need I will start to heal. I kept being told not to feel bad about having a good day or not do something because I think it will harm my disability claim. I wish I had days like that! I wasn’t worried about disability because I am that anxious. I know I will get what I need because I won’t stop until either I get the help or I die from the disease. I have a chemical imbalance along with who knows what else. Our health care is free to an extent. It doesn’t favor the mentally ill at ALL.

I don’t understand why I am constantly telling people how bad I am and they don’t seem to get it. No one except for my family dr has seen me be me. They think the quiet shell of a human is me having a good day because I am not uncontrollably crying. I keep being asked what is wrong with me by people who know me well. They know what is wrong with me the answer is always anxiety.

I keep being told that if I kill myself my mother would never get over it. What kind of head fuck is that? It isn’t my mom saying it, but mental health professionals who have never met my mother. Apparently no one cares if my father and sister would be upset.


3 thoughts on “Confused.

  1. If you want someone to talk to about it all I am here if you need it 😀 I don’t need to go into the suicidal stuff but the “professionals” how you worded sound like that are not interested. The dark thoughts are about you not the family around you. Thank you for the Post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. The worst part is when they ask if I am suicidal I say no. Then they say good because it would destroy my mom. But I need to stop saying I am not, because I am always slightly suicidal. Even when healthy. I honestly have never cared if I lived or died. Which they would know if they actually gave me real therapy. One therapist told me he was worried I was going to hurt myself because of the last group session. I looked at him in disbelief. If he thought I was going to hurt myself he should have tried to stop me instead of just waiting to see if I was still around the next week. Sorry. End of rant.

      Thank you. I really do appreciate it. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes like you said having these negative thoughts can even happen on good days. From what I understand you might feel overwhelmed or something at times. That being said I don’t know your full story but I believe if you go to the level of defending that not just your mum will miss you then that says that you are a selfless person. Thanks for your reply 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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