People think because I cry easily or that because I am kind that I am weak. I have been told if I don’t harden up the world will chew me up and spit me out. That I will just be used and shit on. I have self-esteem. I just have anxiety. My personality and kind free spirt is what is keeping me alive. That something that people try to bully, shame, or criticise out of me is the very thing that keeps me from killing myself when sick.
I had one manager who would try to break me down at every turn. She said I was weak and she would make me strong by being extra hard on me. Because I cry doesn’t make me weak. It means I have anxiety. She told me she was once happy and free like me then the world got to her. She openly said she didn’t love the man she was with and only was with him because he was stable and would never hurt her. All of her stories were meant to empower me to be more like her, but they just made me sad for her. I would rather be alone than someone I didn’t love. That is called settling and using. Which she failed to see the problem with.
I would like to see her go through a bought of crippling anxiety and horrible depression. Where it is so hard to keep living. I didn’t and don’t care what she thinks of me. My disease says way worst things to me than any human could. I have self esteem and won’t let myself be pushed around.
People often mistake my anxious quirks as me being meek and shy. Even with crushing anxiety I will lash out to defend myself. Wrong target bullies. Wrong target. I, being mentally ill, have looked bullies in the face more than once and told them I will cut a bitch so back off. We are adults don’t try to feel better by putting me down because I look like an easy target.