I longer I am sick the harder it is to be around people who are not good friends or family. They irritate me or make me anxious. They are perfectly nice people but my anxiety is getting worse instead of better. I can’t filter out sounds so if someone is having a conversation next to me and who ever I am talking to I can’t focus. It is annoying. I can only be in small groups where everyone isn’t talking at the same time.  I can either block everything out or nothing. There is no middle filter. 
     It is impossible to explain exacting how you feel and the afflictions of the disease to those who have never felt it before. How do you explain that you know the phobias and paranoia isn’t real, but you literally can’t do anything about it. Your mind is tricking you and it takes everything in you to stay alive. At this point I would try almost anything to get rid of it. The fear of being like this and never being me again is far stronger than the disease itself. The numbness scares me the most. Not feeling or caring about anything is worse than the crippling anxiety.  At least I feel something. I get that it is frm having so many panic attacks and just being drained, but I hate it. I have friends who also have anxiety and they prefer the numbness over the anxiety.  They just don’t want to feel.  I find it interesting how people with the same disease feel different about the different aspects. Numb Jenny scares me. It feels like I am already dead.  


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