I am always asked why I am crying. I usually answer ‘Because I am mentally ill.’ Why do people feel the need to stop me and ask why I am crying? Or that I shouldn’t be crying because *insert random reason here*? I hate when I am talking to someone I have to about my disability, or tax credit, specialists, ect, and they tell me I don’t have to cry it is okay. Actually I do. If I could stop it do you think I would just be balling my face off and hyperventilating?  I am sick it is part of my illness. I can’t control when I cry or for how long. Being out in the world or talking on the phone is horrible!  I can barely do it. I have to force mysef I run on sheer will power. I know logically I will be okay, but the sheer terror and panic that happens every time is draining.  I have a crippling panic attack after every time.
        If I did not the upbringing, family, and friends I have I would be dead. I also have no shame and don’t care if people see me in any anxious state. I will ball up anywhere and have a crippling panic attack when it comes on. I try to lug myself somewhere safe. I have just curled up in a door way before and stayed there until I could move. Bathrooms are usually where I head if not home. People can’t touch me in a stall and I don’t know if they talk to me or not. 


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