My chemical imbalance is a bummer.

Got all ready to go to my cousin’s forcing myself to go out of the house and be with people I love, but my body/anxiety said no. I now can’t stop crying and hyperventilating. I want to go, but I literally can not leave my apartment. I am currently curled up in a ball laying on my side. It isn’t a crippling attack as clearly I am able to move and think, but it still sucks. I am tired of; crying,  being scared of everything and nothing at the same time, physically exhausted, and just drained, the loud bass of my neighbors’ music, my body giving up on me, paranoia, having to fight to leave my apartment every time I walk out the door, and just the whole anxiety and depression in general. I want nothing more than to get healthy and go back to work. When I tell people who I worked with I miss it there they tell me no I don’t. I tell them it can’t be worse than my life now and they disagree. No call center can be worse than this hell of my brain’s creation. Nothing is worse than this hell because I am a prisoner of my brain’s own creation.  They just don’t get how awful it is. I tell them I can’t be alone outside of my home and I don’t think it really sinks in how hellish life is. I fully believe this is what hell is. Knowing you are sick and wanting to get better but instead I just keep getting worse. I seem alright some times, but I am not. I constantly am on the verge of tears. That feeling in my stomach and chest never go away. My mind tells me I am a waste of a human being. Tells me to off myself with a nice sharp cold knife. Giving in and letting go is so appealing. I just want my sucide knife. I won’t let go or give in. I am far to stubborn. Life isn’t always easy but at least this is the only hell I will ever know.  I don’t know how people with out a belief in a greater power or with out a support system do it.  I am running on sheer will power at this point, or stubbornness.