How does one do mind over matter when it is the brain that is sick? I force myself to eat well every day and work out. It is very hard when you are not hungry and are weak like a kitten. I am a stubborn ol’battleaxe and will not allow my body to crap out on me more than it already has. I refuse to die of heart anything. I am going to either kill myself or die in a hilarious melon Baller accident. I would have killed myself by now if I was going to so melon Baller accident it is.
I just keep telling myself only 60 mins. That is all I have to do. Then I can lay in bed until I have to eat. I tell myself to get up, because if I don’t I will have more health issues and I can’t deal with that. It is not fun to run up and down stairs having a panic attack or even just crying. I do crunches as well. At night bed time yoga. But that is claiming and focuses of breathing and relaxing for the night, which is also normally cried during. I keep telling myself I will be like this forever if I don’t get my self up and do what my physical health needs.  So hard to do when your brain is telling you to give up just give in to the sweet cold darkness. The mind starts to wonder to that wonderful stainless steel knife and how glorious it would feel against my skin. I know it is my illness and not me so I cling. 
My friend told me that they tried to kill themselves by pills more than once. As a person with depression and anxiety I asked why try pills more than once? If I tried to kill myself and it didn’t work and still wanted to die I would go with an other method. But I was honestly asking if my view was ‘normal ‘. So instead of getting a normal person response, she got a mentally ill person’s one, which I find better some times. They know how you feel that horrible struggle with am I crazy or am I sick? They know how it feels to want to kill yourself to be suicidal.  


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