The pills I take at night now have made me gain so much weight in a small period of time that I now have border line high blood pressure. If it gets higher I will need to go on medication for this. What is pissing me off is that I am eating right and excerising. It is so hard to do especially excerise, but I force myself. I just keep thinking get up do 30-60 mins of hell and then you are good. You can cry, while doing it,  just don’t let your mental health hurt your physical health.  All I have to do is move for 60 mins then I can be a vegetable if I want. But to be trying so hard and gain weight too. Ugh. 
So I have two choices stay on this hell scape into heart disease or play Russia roulette with new mediation.  I choose the new hell scape. Let’s mix things up. Worst case scenario nothing changes. I will have my trusty medical cannabis and adavan. If I have hung on this long I am going the distance and will do what ever the hell I need to, to be healthy mentally and physically. I am not going to pick one over the other in importance because either can kill me. 


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