My family dr seems to be the only one concerned that I am steadily gaining weight. I have gained 40lbs since going on my bed time cocktail. I eat healthy, except for my icecream which was  down graded from a bowl everyday with candy on top to a cone of two scoops. It is now being down graded again to one scoop and it isn’t every day any more. I excerise every day even if having a bad day because I don’t want to die of a heart attack or from something that deals with weight. My heart is healthy dispite my body hating me and I want to keep it that way. I was the one who asked my Drs about the weight gain. My therapist told me it would be summer soon and that what I am on doesn’t cause weight gain. He told me a side effect was weight gain when I first went on it though and my family dr says it is a side effect. 
How is summer going to help me lose weight?  If it is my medication?  I could see if I had SAD, but I don’t. I still won’t be able to leave my house much and working out will be worse due to the heat. I have a chemical imbalance HELP ME! My family dr is concerned because it is giving me high blood pressure too. Since I am the one who brought it up and am very concerned she takes it seriously and I have to go talk to my therapist about my cocktails of anti-depressants. If he doesn’t do anything she will, but since he is my specialist he should know more about what goes with what. I don’t think he gets it though. It is so frustrating to eat right work out, when all you want to do is lay there. Then to still gain weight. I am horrified to think how much I would weigh if I didn’t make healthy choices.  
It would be wonderful if my anxiety would leave something alone and didn’t make everything worse health wise. I feel like a huge blob of a human being with fifty neck rolls. Basically I feel like Merle from Blade. I am starting a food journal to show my therapist it isn’t what I am eating. I am honestly concerned for my physical health. I can’t be mentally ill and horribly obese.  It will just feed into an endless cycle of depression and giving up on eating right. If my disease is going to kill me it is going to be on my terms. I am a determined little (well not so much any more) thing. I will kill myself before I allow heart disease or diabetes to get me while sick and I am not killing myself any time soon. I just thank God every day for making me determined and giving me a wonderful support system. If wasn’t raised how I was and know I have unconditional love and support I would be dead by now.

The kicker of all of this is I can’t eat fast food. I can’t afford to go out to eat at a nice restaurant,  so I have to make all my own meals. I have horrible ibs and have to eat healthy anyway because perseritives and fast food make me horribly ill. If I stop taking my medication for my ibs I would lose weight, but I also would be violently I’ll all the time. I honestly don’t care what I look like or how large I am from a superficial point of view.  I just don’t want more health problems and gaining weight causes them. 


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