So I do my research on my illness. Knowing my triggers doesn’t stop you from reacting to what you can not control. Telling yourself the paranoia and horrible thoughts aren’t real doesn’t make the feeling go away. Logic doesn’t make you feel better. Knowing that your body and mind are making you sick and feel this way doesn’t stop the feelings. I tell people I have a chemical imbalance causing my anxiety, but people don’t tend to connect the dots until listening to the difference in me when I am healthy and when I am sick. I am the type of person who isn’t afraid of looking dumb,  messing up, or doing what I love. I don’t have a fear of people or large crowds. It is only when sick I am completely different. People hear that you have anxiety and think that means I can’t do certain things. If healthy and I ask or offer to do something I can do it. I can go in front of tons of people and give a presentation. I have done it and don’t care. I like making them fun and interesting. When people ask ‘are you sure you have anxiety’ I am fine when healthy. When healthy the triggers are reptive sounds and movement. It makes me see red and I have to ask people to stop.  But I have no problem asking strangers to please stop tapping their foot or what ever it is because it gives me anxiety. Let them know it is my fault and if they don’t stop I leave, or continually ask kindly to stop. It makes me want to rip off their leg and beat them with it or if tapping to jab them with what ever they are tapping with. It probably has to do with my ocd but who knows.


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