Having horrible anxiety means that I can barely leave my house on a good day. It takes everything I have in me. My body literally does not like leaving and I start sweating and shaking the moment I leave. I have panic attacks, uncontrollable crying, hyperventilate, and shake. I have a lot of appointments for Drs and specialists. I force myself to go to them all. If I can physically get there I will. My whole body screams to stay and begins to freak at even the idea of leaving.  I get told good job for never canceling and showing up to everything. I don’t care who sees me having a hard time dealing with anxiety. The fear of being like this for longer than I have to is greater than the anxiety itself.  

One of my specialists says they are proud that I contribute to my group therapy. It is not uncommon for me to have panic attacks there. If I don’t go and try to get better then I am literally putting myself through hell for nothing. I will do what I can to get better. It is the only thing keeping me going. This can not last forever I keep telling myself. 

One day I will emerge from my anxiety/depression cocoon and emerge the vibrant free soul that I am. It has happened before,  so why not this time? I just need to get through hell to crawl my way back to me.


11 thoughts on “Need to make it through hell to get back to me.

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I have an anxiety disorder called misophonia which makes it impossible to get through meals without a panic attack plus I have an ED which makes it impossible to eat without being disgusted and looking in the mirror causes panic attacks because I’m obese and there’s nothing I can do about it. I also have PTSD which gives me horrible nightmares and flashbacks. I’ve grown so familiar with panic attacks and I know how draining and crippling they are. Hang in there xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have been sick like this before, but never for this long. My brain is shutting down certain functions to deal. I am turning into an air head, which I am okay with now. I am not used to the constant stress on my body. It is nothing for me to go days without eating from anxiety and then depression decides it wants to be in charge and I eat a whole ice-cream cake in a day. I find it hard to have a middle ground. I eat a lot when I feel numb so that when my stomach hurts from all the food I feel something. The numbness scares me more than anything. I hate it more than the panic attacks.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Seems like you’re in the right frame of mine and your perseverance is admirable. I think it’s a great idea to remember who you were and if that’s the person you want to be again then that is the person that you are. I hope hell doesn’t keep you for too long, home is waiting. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. thanks for your post. It is so nice to know that I am not the only person who is terrified of the outside! I often feel like a failure, knowing that my neighbours must think I’m an unemployed bum who just sits in their flat all day. However now I realise that I’m not well and need to focus on getting better. I have found that I literally need to drag my ass down to the shop even if I go in my pjammers!

    Liked by 1 person

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