So apparently I am a rare gem of anxiety. I am me for better or for worse and I don’t apologize for that. I don’t understand why there is shame connected to mental illness. I keep being told that  a huge part of anxiety is accepting it. I have never had shame about it though. I have had it my whole life and have had to stand up for myself many a time.  I have no time for people who don’t love me for me. You don’t have to understand what I am going through,  but you have to accept that what I tell you is true. 

Those plagued with anxiety are people pleasers, but I will stand up for myself. It takes a lot,  but I will flat out tell people I know they are trying to manipulate me due to me being easy to guilt trip. They get told that my anxiety dictates that I will do it this once, because it isn’t worth the panic attack to me. If they ever try it again I will be anxious angry and they don’t want that. I am oddly clam and scary when anxious angry. I find if you call them out on it there is rarely a second time.  If there is I kick their ass to the curb. I have anxiety not low self esteem there is a difference. Nothing anyone can every say or do could ever be worse than what is in my mind. I am nice because that is my nature. Yes I could never be horrible because of my Anxiety, but also because I am not that person. 

I am also told that being optimistic for the future is also a huge break through… Again not a break through.  I know this won’t last forever. I have never been this sick for this long before, but I have been this sick before. When in a living hell all you can have is the comfort of knowing that it will eventually pass. 
None of these are breakthroughs since I have always thought this way.  I view anxiety as any other disease. It is not shameful to be diabetic and need pills or insulin for it, so why is my needing pills and supplements any different? Because it is a disease of the mind? 

I feel guilty for complaing about my anxiety and how horrible it is because mine is a chemical imbalance. I grew up in a loving family who just accepts each other for who they are. I could have an other cause of my Anxiety which is way worse. The problem is that although there are different types and causes of anxiety they all are hell on earth. Healthy Jenny wants to be the moon that lights the path in the darkest night of mental illness. Sick Jenny longs to be healthy and is a shell of her former carefree whimsical self. 


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